Tatiana is turning 24 on Valentine's Day. This birthday is an emotional mile stone for me. She was 12 when I first saw a picture of her! I told her today that she has now been in Mommy's heart just as long as she was alone. From this year on, she can say she has been loved longer than she was alone. We both teared up.I can't explain adoption except that you don't just go and 'pick' a kid. God created Sophia, Tatiana, Oksana, Geniya to be part of our family. Somehow we just knew it…in our heart. It's like a feeling that you've always known this stranger, and to walk away would be like walking away from your own flesh and blood.
TATIANA: I can't imagine my life without you. Baby, I love you so much! Life isn't easy, but think of all we've been through and how much we've grown. None of us would be who we are today if it weren't for having each other.
Adopting a teenager is tough…on everyone involved! Things aren't always what you think they are. There is so much to learn about yourself, attachment, the effects of being institutionalized, the effects of changing cultures and learning a new language, the effects of abuse… Through unspeakable abuse; 14 reconstructive surgeries, being separated from her only biological sister, pain I can't begin to fathom, through it all, I was always drawn back to something about Tatiana I couldn't describe…until one day…I was reading John Ortberg's book, "If You Want To Walk On Water, You've Got To Get Out Of The Boat". One section caught my attention…
"Here is where things get interesting. There is a field in the social sciences that explores what has come to be known as resiliency. Researcher study people
who have survived traumatic ordeals--when life did not turn out the way they
planned. Some of the classic cases involved 3,000 prisoners of war who returned
from "brainwashing' experiences in Korea, 550 men who lived through captivity in
Vietnam, and 52 hostages released after fourteen months of imprisonment in Iran.
Other studies include survivors of WWII concentration camps, victims of
crippling accidents, and children from very difficult
backgrounds.
There studies have found that people generally respond to traumatic problems in
one of two ways. Many are simply defeated by such difficult conditions, as
we might expect. But some are marked by resiliency, a condition where by
they actually enlarge their capacity to handle problems and, in the end, not
only survive but grow. What makes the difference? How do you endure
in the face of a storm? Why do the Rockies energize some people and defeat
others?
The answers have centered on a few
themes:
— Resilient people continually seek to reassert some commend and control over their destiny rather than seeing themselves as passive victims.
— Resilient people have a larger than usual capacity for what might be called moral courage-for refusing to betray their values.
— Resilient people find purpose and meaning in their suffering."
I wrote 'TATIANA" as big as I could in the margin beside this passage. Resilient…that's what our daughter is. That's what she has taught us!
TATIANA: I was 17 when you were born on the other side of the world. If I had known where you were, what you were going through, I would have lived a very different life. I would have done everything humanly possible to be prepared for when you would come home. But I didn't know. We grew up together. We are still growing up together. Dad and I are so proud of you!! Never give up, and never claim your struggles as 'who you are'. They do not define you. Who you are in Christ, who he created you to be…that defines you. Don't ever forget, that part of what God created in you, is very Hayes!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DARLING!!!!
